Lots of stress signs: bursting into tears, sleeping heavily and intermittently with mad dreams, snapping at everybody, stomping about in a bad temper. Heart rate is high. Feel fat fat fat and miserable. Tumbling thoughts and HEARING THINGS. Want to switch off.

I just can't cope with mum any more. Little of what she says makes sense. Even when I am not with her she calls, calls, calls. She can't work the tv any more. She can't follow a diagram or written notes either, we tried that. She says she has been hallucinating for 4-5 weeks, seeing people who are not there, faint people with white outlines.

I have seen her every day since 5th March. There is no help; social services say that as she can go to the lavatory herself with no need of help, she doesn't get a carer, and I get no help. That's it. Oh, they did offer grab rails for the bath, which she already has, or meals-on-wheels at £3.50 a day for lunch, which she tried, and we cancelled after a few weeks because she called them "foul" and refused to eat them.

So that's it then.

I told my GP, in tears, that I wasn't coping. She told me, oh well, you'll have to put her into a home then.

I asked the neurologist 2 weeks ago, and she told me to ask the churches.

I am almost giving up. Except I can't, can I? Because who else is there? I think I shall end up going to the wall. I'll reach the point where I can no longer see that I can't, and I'll take every pill I can find, altogether, at once. And then the authorities and relatives who SHOULD help will HAVE to come and pick up the pieces, won't they? There doesn't seem to be any other way out of this relentless situation.

Hanging on by my fingernails for Luvbug and Scooter ;)

Thank you for all the support out there. Some of you have even given your phone numbers- I am very moved that you would do so as that very generous of you. I do have an emergency number to ring if I get to 'that' stage. I might be up ringing it in the middle of the night quite soon.

Sorry to post such misery near Christmas. Even our little tree gave up the ghost! We will try to return it to the shop tomorrow....



CARFTERING has been updated too, if you can bear it!!!

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Thank you for so many messages following the loss of Fluffy. I was overwhelmed! I have never received so many comments. It has really helped, really it has. Thank you all so much!

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Mum is OK. She had a little cry but, thankfully, it hasn't hit her badly like I feared it would. Here is the Christmas card I made for her. Actually it's the second one as she lost the first (!!!)

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 Here is a photo taken on Fluffy's last evening.... Scooter is taking a drink and Fluff is by the fire... if you look closely you'll see that she didn't have the strength to rest her head on top of her paws in that Sphinx pose that cats love- her head is resting to one side of her toes....
 Luvbug took this photo of us on her last morning.....
I have cried buckets this week and my arms ache to cuddle and hold her.

I keep thinking I can hear her in the house. I don't know if this is the auditory hallucinations that I get under stress with the Bi-polar, or if it's just normal grief. I think probably the latter, so I shan't worry...

This morning a special parcel arrived from Ginger Jasper! Look at the gorgeous card- GJ in his Christmas finery!

He send me a beautifully soft bear, and some things for making momentoes of Fluffy.....
 ...a little album, and an empty bauble- you put a photo in it and hang it on the tree.
 

I think it would be a lovely tribute to Fluffy, especially as she always loved Christmas sparkly things. She used to lie underneath the tree belly-up and daze up through the branches at all the twinkling lights. She also used to attack tinsel and go worra worra worra........

Thanks, GJ! I was very moved to receive these things. It is very kind of you. Look- your photo is now overlooking our crib!
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 Here is Scooter by our tree...



We bought ourselves a little 3ft one! It has fibre-optic tips that change colour slowly and it's quite relaxing to sit and gaze at it! Scooter really enjoyed himself like a kitten when I got the decorations out.

Here is our mantelpiece lit up.
We bought little LED strings of lights that work by battery. I put a bunch in a couple of vases, which are the big glows in the picture. These are good lights as they don't get hot.

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I am trying to keep my chin up and have a good Christmas- I have wrapped all my presents and all the shopping is done. It's difficult when others say how miserable they are though! Mum told me straight she can't wait for Christmas to be over, and Luvbug has been down over lack of work- the schools just haven't been calling in supply staff these last few weeks. I do see their point of view and I do sympathise, but mood is contagious, isn't it? So it is hard to keep plodding on at the moment. I am managing ok, but feel like I'm using my emergency tank, know what I mean?!

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